Tesy Festy '05 Posted on: September 19, 2005 Since I happened to be out in Montana, I decided to check out the 23rd annual testicle festival. No, it is not Montana's version of the gay pride parade-- it is much, much worse. Basically, it is a seven day camping trip at a dirty, smelly rest area for bikers, old people, criminals and an occasional sprinkling of normal people that make you go, "what the fuck are YOU doing here?!?" Here is the scoop-- basically, there are bands, beer, naked women (I use the term "women" loosely)and deep fried bull testicles. Yeah, that's actually food out here-- a delicacy, in fact. I would love to tell you that people DON'T travel from Australia, England, China, etc for this, but they do. I WANT to tell you that E's "Wild On" wasn't there-- but they were. I would also like to tell you that I didn't eat testicles. But really, outside of prison or Fear Factor, when else would I get that opportunity? There are tons of funny souvenirs-- had a ball at the testicle festival, etc. Good times. It is the complete scariness of the nudity that got me. I happened to be there for their wet t-shirt contest... which consisted of very little wetness and very few t-shirts. Basically, fat, possibly brain-damaged women stripped naked in all their syphlitic glory and danced on a platform. Now anyone who knows me knows I am a huge fan of nudity, but for the love of god, where is the self respect? I saw a fat chick go down on a fatter chick. I saw a 55 year old naked biker woman who looks like she got beaten too many times with a Jack Daniels bottle for not having the trailer clean at dinner time. If you think I am making any of this up, check out www.testyfesty.com . The worst has to have been the mother daughter team who were making out. Now, at first, the fact that the daughter was a midget and the mother was hugely fat,sounds intriguing. But when the completely naked fat and cellulite laden older biker woman bent over to reveal her tampon string... sorry, I just threw up remembering that. Is it odd to curl yourself into the fetal position naked at the bottom of a cold shower, trying to gouge images out of your mind with a nail file? To make matters worse, I haven't even written a joke about it yet.... make believe/ poseurs Posted on: July 11, 2005 OK, so lately there is something that has been bothering me. It's people who seem to be dressing up all the time like something they are not, to the point that they almost believe it to be true themselves. I am not talking about the pasty redhead wearing the FUBU(though I may in the future). I am not talking about the fat girl wearing the "hottie" belly shirt (I threw up a little in my mouth there, thinking about that). That's more of a style. I am talking about the people who dress up like CHARACTERS. Specifically, the wrestler, the surfer and the cowboy. This whole "goatee and bald head" thing is so played out, it's pathetic. I know that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin epitomized the tough guy with that look in the early nineties, but why does every accountant and gas station attendant have to emulate this look? Hey man, if you cry watching "Gilmore Girls", you are not a tough guy! If you are going to follow some of a wrestlers look, you have to go the whole route. If you are gonna have the goatee, you have to dress up in pink spandex and occasionally suplex somebody. Sorry, but I have established the rules. Same goes for the fake surfer... the jackass with the shaggy bleached hair, dark tan and shell necklace, who lives in Utah or Indiana? You are no where NEAR an ocean, jackass! Who do you think you are fooling? But my least favorite of all is the pseudo cowboy. Hey man, I can accept that you like crappy music, but if you are going to wear the too tight jeans, ridiculous belt buckle, cowboy hat and jeans, logic dictates that your job has to somehow, in someway, involve a horse. Even if you are the guy who runs the carousel, I will accept that... because if it's not, it's just make believe, man! It is dress up! You are not a cowboy! You can wear that shit one day a year, October 31st, because it is bullshit. Think about it like this-- if I wander around the streets pretending like I am a cop, I am going to be arrested. I think those rules should apply if you pretend you are any of the village people. And I am not buying the bullshit, "I used to work on a ranch". Yeah? Well, I used to work at Applebees, but I don't show up to nightclubs in the uniform! Let it go, brother, it is over. The Burger King Posted on: May 25, 2005 Hey, am I the only one who is creeped out by the new advertising campaign by Burger King where the guy and tights and paper mache head tries to scare you into eating his food? He looks like a human marionette and I have nightmares about him. I've seen three, and they have just gotten scarier and scarier. The one, the guy looks out the window, and the King is off in the distance, staring at him. He looks again, and he is RIGHT AT HIS FUCKING WINDOW! I'm like holy shit! The second one, the guy wakes up and the King is right there in the middle of the bed with them... smoking a cigarette, bottle of K-Y at the floor... and the third one, he faces off against Darth Vader. I wanted to scream at the screen-- "run, Anakin, run!" He's like freaking Jason Vorhees! He just keeps coming and coming! Is this a good idea? Scare people into eating your food?!? One word, Burger King-- stop. Please? Bureau of Motor Vehicles Posted on: April 25, 2005 Let me ask a question: Where do the normal people go to get their car registered? There has got to a secret that I don't know about, because every time I am there it looks like Waterhead day at the ball park. If I am ever feeling depressed about my life, a few minutes at the Department of Motor Vehicles is like a shot of adrenalin for the self esteem because WHEW! At least I am not like any of THOSE people! For that matter, why is it that the smelliest guy is also the "standing too close" guy? Every time I leave the place I feel like curling up naked in the fetal position in the shower and sobbing-- I feel that violated. And how is it that the guy who can't even afford shoes can afford both a drivers license AND a cellphone? And have you ever noticed that the person who uses that cell in public when people are in line is ALWAYS talking WAY too loud about something that is WAY too personal and inappropriate? Great. Now I know the torn t-shirt guy has chlymidia and two children. I actually saw a guy in there wearing a coon skin cap. How the FUCK does that happen?!? How do you wake up one morning and think you went back in time to 1812? He wasn't driving a Delorean! It's like people woke up one morning and went, "Hmm.. I recently suffered brain damage, AND I have no clean clothes... let's go register our vehicle, and then it's off to Walmart!" embarrassing car moments Posted on: April 20, 2005 The other day I stopped off at a nightclub to meet some friends and I accidentally left my lights on. The only thing more embarrassing than hearing your car described over the loudspeaker in a bar is hearing your car described over the loudspeaker in a bar when you drive a shitty car! "Yes, if there is someone here who is driving a MOSTLY blue, 1988 Honda CRX... I got a buddy who works at a car lot, man-- get yourself a new ride! Oh, yeah, and your lights are on!" I didn't even turn them off. I left the bar, and just kept on walking. I'm not letting anyone know that it is my car! Driving a 1988 Honda CRX is like having a get out of pussy free card-- I can get more action with a bus pass than I can with that car! How embarrassing is it when a guy with a shopping cart pulls more trim than you?!? I tried to explain to my buddy why I bought it. I was like, "COme on, man, it takes me back to when I was a kid!" and he said, "You mean back when you couldn't afford a good car?" RIP Mitch Posted on: April 1, 2005 Wednesday, a modern legend of comedy died. Normally, I would try to say something funny here, but really, it just makes me sad because it is such a tragedy. I don't think anyone finds it too surprising that he died too young; he lived a lifestyle that seems to inspire an early death. Drugs and comedy do not mix, man. I understand it, I truly do; life on the road is a lonely bitch, but whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... and I guess if it doesn't make you stronger, it kills you. Some of us struggle week in and week out telling dick jokes to rednecks in god forsaken places on this earth, just because someone dangles the crazy carrot named "fame" in front of our faces. MItch had it all-- millions of fans, fame, money, success... and now, he is gone. I guess the good news is, we never had to go through the sad downward spiral where he loses the funny, but in the same sense, he never reached his full potential. Why, man, why? The good ones always die too young. God bless you, Mitch Hedberg-- you will be missed.